


Smash The Guitar Podcast

by tomridswhorcrux



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: All characters - Freeform, Comedy, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, NSFW, Podcast, Sarcasm, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, how much sarcasm is too much sarcasm?, if theo and draco had a podcast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:42:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29572671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomridswhorcrux/pseuds/tomridswhorcrux
Summary: smash the guitardefinition:to masturbate vigorously, as if romancing one’s beloved guitar. common among musicians and college freshmenTheo Nott and Draco Malfoy bring you the thoughts you didn’t think you needed. They do weird things, and talk about them too, answering all of life’s nsfw questions.(Each chapter is a new “episode”)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Smash The Guitar Podcast

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the Smash The Guitar Podcast! It’s a lil “what if” project and I hope you all enjoy!! And please comment any questions you would have for them, I’ll use them in future “episodes”! I hope y’all enjoy!!

DRACO: Welcome to the first episode of the Smash The Guitar Podcast starring yours truly, Draco Malfoy and...

THEO: Theo Nott!

DRACO: And for this monumental event we have my beloved wife, Hermione Granger-Malfoy here as a guest.

THEO: (Cheering)

HERMIONE: (Laughing) Yes, thank you for having me, _beloved_ husband.

THEO: Cut the sap, I don’t need to be reminded that I’m single.

DRACO: Maybe this podcast will help you with that.

ALL: (Laughing)

DRACO: Now, onto today’s topic. Theo, would you like to do the honors?

THEO: I would _love_ to. Drumroll, please.

HERMIONE & DRACO: (Leg patting, like a drumroll)

THEO: And today’s topic is—dreamcreeping!

HERMIONE: What even is that?

DRACO: Probably should’ve told you beforehand, love, but we’re already here.

HERMIONE: Draco! (Playful slap to Draco)

THEO: When you two are done fighting, may we continue?

DRACO: I don’t know? It’s looking a little rough.

HERMIONE: Oh fuck you! Yes, Theo, we can continue.

THEO: Feisty, I see?

DRACO: I wouldn’t’ve said that if I were you.

THEO: And why is that?

HERMIONE: Theo, I swear to fucking Merlin.

THEO: Okay, Okay! Back to the topic at hand.

HERMIONE: I still don’t know what dreamcreeping even is.

DRACO: Yes, dreamcreeping is when someone you know shows up in a dream, but you want them to fuck your brains out.

HERMIONE: Not what I was expecting, but I shouldn’t’ve expected any less from you two.

THEO: That’s the spirit!

DRACO: I think we should start with you, Theo.

THEO: I always get the short end of the stick.

HERMIONE: (Giggles)

THEO: Do you want to go first, Miss Granger-Malfoy?

HERMIONE: No, no. I wouldn't want to take that opportunity away from you.

THEO: That’s so kind of you.

HERMIONE: Anytime.

DRACO: Now, Theo, your latest dreamcreep?

THEO: Hmm, lemme think about that.

HERMIONE: I think I have a guess as to who.

DRACO: Do share.

THEO: Oh fuck, are we guessing now?

DRACO: Yes. Now, Hermione, who do you think?

HERMIONE: Pansy or Harry.

DRACO: Or Potter? I wasn’t thinking that, but now that you say it, I can see it.

THEO: Screw you two.

HERMIONE: Love you too, Theo!

DRACO: We were right?

THEO: Maybe.

HERMIONE: Do tell what side of the spectrum that maybe falls on.

DRACO: I’m going with Pansy as my final answer.

HERMIONE: Wait! Wait! I know, Luna!

DRACO: Lovegood? I can see it.

THEO: Ding! Ding! Ding!

DRACO: Ten points to Gryffindor it seems.

HERMIONE: I still have to try and win the house cup, especially with two Slytherins against one Gryffindor.

DRACO: She will never get over Hogwarts.

HERMIONE: Never.

ALL: (Laughing)

DRACO: So, Lovegood, if you’re listening, Theo would like a call.

THEO: Draco, I swear to motherfucking Merlin.

DRACO: What? You said it yourself.

THEO: I very much did _not._

HERMIONE: I don’t hear you cancelling Draco’s request to Luna.

DRACO: That’s what I’m thinking.

THEO: You two fuckers.

DRACO: Yes?

THEO: Why did I ever agree to do a podcast with you?

DRACO: Cus you love me.

THEO: It’s not looking that way anymore.

ALL: (Laughing)

HERMIONE: Draco! It’s your turn!

THEO: You better say the correct answer.

DRACO: Of course, it’s Hermione.

HERMIONE: I could’ve told you that one, someone else.

THEO: Man, I don’t know if it’s wise to say anything. You know these females and their tricks.

DRACO: She already has my last name and a ring, I’m going to hope that overrides anything I say.

THEO: Don’t blame me if there’s a divorce announcement in the _Prophet._

HERMIONE: Theo! There will be no such thing!

DRACO: Well, if you _insist,_ probably Pansy.

THEO: Oh fucking hell.

HERMIONE: Was I there too?

DRACO: Of course you were, love.

THEO: I can see the article now.

HERMIONE: (Slaps Theo)

THEO: Okay! Okay! You aren’t getting a divorce.

HERMIONE: That’s better.

THEO: Pansy _and_ Hermione, eh?

DRACO: Isn’t that what I said?

THEO: Hermione, your thoughts?

HERMIONE: No comment.

THEO: Draco, you better get on that ménage à trois.

DRACO: Dreams aren’t reality my friend.

THEO: But you can make them.

HERMIONE: Theo isn’t wrong.

THEO: See?

DRACO: Don’t say things you don’t mean, love.

HERMIONE: I’m not.

DRACO: You minx.

THEO: Well, then! I think it’s Hermione’s turn!

HERMIONE: Well, my answer is Draco!

DRACO: No, someone else.

THEO: That _Prophet_ article is still clear in my mind.

HERMIONE: Theo! No. Divorce. Is. Happening.

THEO: Just trying to look out for you two.

DRACO: So, who is it, love?

HERMIONE: I want you to guess.

DRACO: I think I know who.

THEO: I think I know too, but I am keeping my mouth shut.

HERMIONE: C’mon, tell me Draco. Who do you think I’ve dreamcrept about?

DRACO: With the way you’re acting, I’m going with Pansy.

HERMIONE: You would like that wouldn’t you?

THEO: I’m now invisible.

DRACO: I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

HERMIONE: Well, you are correct.

THEO: (Cheering) Ménage à trois! Ménage à trois! Ménage à trois!

DRACO: Pansy, if you’re listening my wife would like you to join us.

HERMIONE: Draco! You can’t say that!

DRACO: I just did.

THEO: I think it’s best we move on from this topic of discussion.

DRACO: Theo is right, for now. 

HERMIONE: Fine. Now, Theo, what was the content of your dream with Luna? 

THEO: We never agreed that we had to _share_ the dreams.

DRACO: We have to keep the guest happy. 

THEO: Draco, that’s your job, not mine.

DRACO: It’s a team effort.

THEO: If you say so.

HERMIONE: Theo, answer?

THEO: Oh fuck you guys.

HERMIONE & DRACO: (Laughing)

DRACO: Spill, my dear friend.

THEO: If you insist.

HERMIONE: I very much do.

THEO: Luna, please plug your ears for the next minutes, please and thank you. 

DRACO: No, Luna, give the man your number and listen up.

THEO: I’m this close to crucioing you. 

DRACO: That’s so sweet!

HERMIONE: Theo, you’re too kind.

THEO: Merlin. Now, that you insist.

DRACO: I’m all ears.

THEO: We fucked.

HERMIONE: Such inspiring words.

DRACO: Where’s the details?

THEO: For me to know, and for you to never find out.

DRACO: Hermione, what do you think about the use of legilimency in the workplace? 

THEO: You better fucking not.

HERMIONE: I mean, since you two make the rules, it’s up to you two.

DRACO: Theo, I’m considering.

THEO: Okay, fine. I will kill you two after though.

DRACO: My last moments spent seeing Theo’s sex dreams, doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world.

HERMIONE: Can I have a last word?

THEO: (Taking a deep breath) We fucked in a bed.

HERMIONE: Oo, a bed! Was it a Hogwarts four-poster?

THEO: You and your obsession with Hogwarts.

DRACO: The legilimency is sounding _really_ nice right now.

THEO: Fucking use the legilimency, then!

HERMIONE: Do what the man says!

DRACO: Okay. _Legilimens_.—Oh, fuck.—Theo, you dirty dog.—She’s doing what.—Luna, you better call this man.—Oh, damn, going for round two.

HERMIONE: I’m loving the commentary.

THEO: Happy now?

DRACO: Very.

THEO: If you share what you saw I will not hesitate to use an unforgivable.

DRACO: I won’t.

HERMIONE: I get left out!

THEO: Yes. Yes, you do. And I know for a fact Draco will share once we are done recording.

DRACO: You know me so well.

THEO: Draco, now it’s _your_ turn to share with the class.

DRACO: Do you want the color version?

HERMIONE: I want to see!

DRACO: Then both of you use legilimency, for all I care.

THEO: Hermione, are you sure about this?

HERMIONE: Theo, there will be no article in the _Prophet._

THEO: If you say so.

HERMIONE & THEO: _Legilimens!_

HERMIONE: There’s me!

THEO: He literally said you were there.

HERMIONE: Fuck off.

THEO: Gladly.

HERMIONE: How would that?

THEO: Holy fuck, Draco.

HERMIONE: Damn, Pansy.

THEO: Ropes?!

HERMIONE: Is that a fist?

THEO: That is most definitely a fist.

HERMIONE: Oh, Draco.

THEO: Kinky.

HERMIONE: Do I look this good normally?

THEO: Draco, aren’t you lucky.

HERMIONE: Draco, you better call Pansy.

DRACO: I’ll put that under advisement.

THEO: Draco, what an imagination.

DRACO: Why, thank you.

HERMIONE: Do I always look that good?

DRACO: Usually better, dreams don’t do it justice.

THEO: He’s trying to get those good husband points.

HERMIONE: He’s doing a good job at it.

DRACO: How many points am I at?

HERMIONE: Well, with this edition, -15.

DRACO: What an upgrade.

THEO: That’s rough.

DRACO: I think I can turn that score to zero.

HERMIONE: Oh, really?

DRACO: Really.

THEO: Let me guess, _Pansy._

DRACO: That was a thought.

HERMIONE: Draco, we have dinner with your mother soon, we should cut off soon.

THEO: Always when it starts getting good.

DRACO: I would like to keep my mother and wife happy, sorry Theo.

THEO: What about my happiness?

DRACO: Ranks lower on the totem pole. Happy wife happy life. Happy Theo? Doesn’t work as well.

THEO: Still questioning why I agreed to this.

DRACO: Well, anyways, that’s a wrap on episode one of Smash The Guitar, make sure to rate and add to your library. See you fuckers next week.

THEO: And don’t forget to ask questions for us to answer in the next episode!

DRACO: And a special thanks to Hermione Granger-Malfoy for agreeing to guest star on our first episode.

THEO: All of my thanks to Miss Granger-Malfoy.

HERMIONE: Thank you for having me. I’m _always_ open to guest starring.

THEO: Last thing, make sure to keep smashing the guitar.

DRACO: Always.

HERMIONE: Oh, you two.


End file.
